There are times when I hear it from my daughter and husband: You Are So Angry. This isn’t a compliment or neutral observation—it’s a call to stop doing what I’m doing. It usually doesn’t help because I’ve already lost my ability to reason and think rationally, so a rational observation isn’t enough to bring me back. And coming back to an emotionally regulated state takes time, and is my responsibility to enact.
As I come down from the anger, the sadness often is right there—alongside guilt, shame and worry that I’ve done irreparable harm. So I’m hit with a double arrow; first the actual anger spew, then the fallout from improper displacement.
The cycle sucks, it happens, and I keep working on becoming more skilled. You know the secret, right? Most therapists have some sort of history of being wounded, traumatized, depressed, anxious, etc.. I’m one of them. And angry behavior is my biggest teacher, my biggest indicator that I’m engaging in a survival-based pattern that no longer helps my present-day. The cycle is my biggest opportunity to change and re-do my ways.
I want to share some ideas and practices that may help those of you who get what I’m saying—who are often at a loss around how to cope with the anger cycle.
Anger is an energy. It can be telling us varying things: something needs to change, action needs to be taken, a boundary needs to be set, an unmet need or want is surfacing, an injustice is happening, and/or our fight-flight response is kicking in.
It’s damn near impossible to control emotions, especially anger, once it gets rolling. The trick is to either use tools to stop the anger escalating, or doing things to bring the anger or rage back down as efficiently as possible.
When we’re in full-blown rage or anger, certain things will not help. Deep breaths won’t do shit-neither will counting to 10,20,30, or other mindfulness activities. You need a stronger intervention to jolt your nervous system down a notch:
Chew or suck ice. Put an ice pack between your eyebrows, at the back of your neck, or anywhere else that zaps you into feeling what is presently happening.
Fill up a sink with cold water, take a big inhale, hold your breath and put your face in the water, hold for 10-30 seconds.
Go outside, pull up weeds if there are any, rake, shovel, etc..
Get some paper, rip up the paper or ball up the paper.
If you can, leave the environment that has you escalating. This could be going into a different room, outside, out for a walk or run. DO NOT DRIVE.
Some people find it helpful to decrease stimuli—put in earplugs, noise cancelling headphones, go into a dark room, put a cold washcloth over your eyes while lying down.
If you do things that do not escalate your anger level, you will eventually start to feel less angry and your brain will eventually come back ‘online’. Then practice more distraction—read something you can focus on, watch something you can track, move your body, get under some covers, allow the transition towards emotionally regulated to happen.
Often, it can be really helpful to work on anger with a therapist, counselor or in a specialized group. Contact me to learn more about working with your anger.